Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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