I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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