I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Who died my cat blue again?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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