On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
