If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
