We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
