you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
