So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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