She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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