she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Randomize
