if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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