Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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