He is such a slut. More and more my type.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
