any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Houston, we have a blender
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
