If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
sex in a hospital.. check
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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