Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I want to fling myself into the sun
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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