Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
