dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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