it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
