Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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