I can't breathe out the right side of my face
if only i could text you this smell
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
