All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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