My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
