dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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