I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Randomize
