did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
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