Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
No more Irish car bombs ever.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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