AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
