I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
