i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
