also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
