Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
