saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
