Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
