There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
