Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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