I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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