How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
