i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
