i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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