My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
