I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
