Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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