I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
