Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize
