the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
