Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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