i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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