Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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