My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Randomize
