I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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